Victory Is Mine!

So, remember back when, fueled by childhood memories of my mother's post-shower winter ministrations, I went on that quest to find mineral oil and was completely stumped? Not in the Big Box Store. Not in the drugstore. Not in the lotion aisle. Not in the baby aisle. I even tried a couple of hardware stores, just in case. No dice.

Well, the other day I dropped into a Rite-Aid on my way from Meeting A to Meeting B to pick up some sunscreen, and I stumbled upon a new product from Nivea called Smooth Sensations Body Oil. Main ingredient? Mineral oil. Second ingredient? Some kind of triglyceride. Third ingredient? Avocado oil. And that's it. Victory! If I can't find just-plain mineral oil (and I apparently can't), a product that is approximately 99% mineral oil is the next-best option.

And, y'all, I completely love this stuff. It soaks in to my skin right away, and holds in all that shower moisture still on my skin after toweling. It smells like mineral oil (and maybe a hint of rancid avocado, but it goes away quickly), not like chemical fragrance. My skin is still soft the next day, even! I swear, I've been having fantasies that this must be what having normal skin feels like. My skin is pretty much as smooth and happy as it's going to get. Ever.

My one beef is with the cap on the product: there's a little too much packaging-spillage for my taste. After all, I spent all that time and effort and gasoline looking for mineral oil: now that I've found it, I don't want to waste a single precious drop!

Still, though. I'm thrilled. Now to figure out what the heck a tryglyceride is, and how exactly that's good for my skin.

Skin Milk Body Polish: too much milk, not enough polish

Skin Milk's slick packaging caught my eye immediately. I like the spare coloring, the sans-serif font, the homey blue-and-white, the subtle shape of old fashioned milk bottles (on some items -- not this one)(sorry the photo's so terrible; that's all I could find on Google Images). I would have tried any of their products just because the packaging was pretty, but I was specifically looking to test out a new facial scrub. The price also was rather appealing: the Body Polish was $2.59 on clearance.

Maybe that should have told me something.

On first squirt, I noticed the pearly-white sheen of the scrub and thought "hm, that reminds me of something. But what?" Turns out, that "something" was yeast infection cream. This scrub has the exact same appearance and viscosity as Monistat -- and yet, I'm supposed to slather it all over my body? Ew! But I did it, in the interest of science (and blogging). Well, okay. I tried it on my legs. And boy am I glad I went the leg route, because...

The next thing I noticed was the fragrance. Vanilla. Really sugary-sweet cloying vanilla, that smacks you upside the head. I double-checked the packaging -- y'all know how much I hate the smelly products, and vanilla in particular -- and sure enough, the front label doesn't say anything about being vanilla-scented (turns out it's all over the website -- but that's not particularly helpful when you're standing in the bath products aisle). The ingredients list "fragrance," but there is no mention of what kind. I was glad I'd only put it on my legs, because they're the farthest from my nose.

So now I'm grossed out and also vaguely annoyed at the company.

The scrubby texture of the product itself isn't bad. But there's something about the slippery feeling of the base -- it's probably the milk itself, what with all those proteins and whatnot -- that made me feel like I was counteracting the scrubbiness itself. Like the proteins made a barrier that didn't let the scrubby-bits get all the way to my skin. It just didn't feel like it was as effective as it should be. Kind of like putting on lotion but then immediately washing it off. What's the point? I didn't feel "polished." I didn't even feel "mildly buffed." I just felt like I'd wasted a minute of my life.

I really want to be able to recommend this product, because it looks pretty on the shelf and is widely available in grocery and drug stores all over the country, but is also affordable and isn't produced by a big "family products" conglomerate. And milk is good for your skin. Hell, 5% of their gross proceeds goes to Heifer International, which is a program I've been supporting since I can remember. I like all of that.

But I can't say that using the actual product was an enjoyable experience. I cannot tell you that I felt adequately "polished." And really, who wants to be reminded of yeast infection cream when you're supposed to be getting clean? And vanilla... yuck.

So I guess in the end, all I got was something pretty to send to the landfill. Good thing it was on clearance. I'd rather just send Heifer International a direct contribution.

Fruit Spritzers and Donut Lips

I’ve been a fan of Cover Girl Wetslicks lipgloss ever since Horsey Foreign Model and Small Orange Man sang its praises on the best-ever season of America’s Next Top Model. It really does have a great, nonsticky texture, and it does indeed smell like cupcakes. On the other hand, my enthusiasm for Wetslicks has never been quite enough for me to keep one of my three tubes anywhere I could find them, and if I had to guess, I’d say they’re slumming around the bottom of one of my lesser-used makeup bags with about twelve other rarely-used lipglosses that seemed like a good idea at the time of purchase.

The newest Wetslicks incarnation, Fruit Spritzers, has recently rekindled the flame. Packaged in a convenient squeezy tube, rather than the wand-applicator Wetslicks of yore, the only real difference is that these glosses taste and mell like assorted fruits, not cupcakes. That was enough for me to buy three and throw them all in my bag.

Of the three I own, the lemon flavor is the weakest, and a disappointment. Papaya is considerably better. The flavor/fragrance of Fig Splash, however, is awesome. To me, it seems like more of a chocolate flavor than straight-up fig, though I rarely eat non-Newtonated figs so I may not be the best judge here. Way, way better than cupcakes.

The color of Fig Splash, on the other hand, I can’t recommend. It's the frostiest lipgloss I've ever seen. Crazy frosty white shimmer. If you use any more than the tiniest dab, your lips will look like a day-old glazed donut, guaranteed.

This may be a beauty blog, but we recognize that there are times when you must choose your own interests over how you look to the outside world. And for me, Fig Splash time is one of those times. I don’t care how I look, my lips are soft and figgy fresh. And that's all I need.