Skin Milk Body Polish: too much milk, not enough polish

Skin Milk's slick packaging caught my eye immediately. I like the spare coloring, the sans-serif font, the homey blue-and-white, the subtle shape of old fashioned milk bottles (on some items -- not this one)(sorry the photo's so terrible; that's all I could find on Google Images). I would have tried any of their products just because the packaging was pretty, but I was specifically looking to test out a new facial scrub. The price also was rather appealing: the Body Polish was $2.59 on clearance.

Maybe that should have told me something.

On first squirt, I noticed the pearly-white sheen of the scrub and thought "hm, that reminds me of something. But what?" Turns out, that "something" was yeast infection cream. This scrub has the exact same appearance and viscosity as Monistat -- and yet, I'm supposed to slather it all over my body? Ew! But I did it, in the interest of science (and blogging). Well, okay. I tried it on my legs. And boy am I glad I went the leg route, because...

The next thing I noticed was the fragrance. Vanilla. Really sugary-sweet cloying vanilla, that smacks you upside the head. I double-checked the packaging -- y'all know how much I hate the smelly products, and vanilla in particular -- and sure enough, the front label doesn't say anything about being vanilla-scented (turns out it's all over the website -- but that's not particularly helpful when you're standing in the bath products aisle). The ingredients list "fragrance," but there is no mention of what kind. I was glad I'd only put it on my legs, because they're the farthest from my nose.

So now I'm grossed out and also vaguely annoyed at the company.

The scrubby texture of the product itself isn't bad. But there's something about the slippery feeling of the base -- it's probably the milk itself, what with all those proteins and whatnot -- that made me feel like I was counteracting the scrubbiness itself. Like the proteins made a barrier that didn't let the scrubby-bits get all the way to my skin. It just didn't feel like it was as effective as it should be. Kind of like putting on lotion but then immediately washing it off. What's the point? I didn't feel "polished." I didn't even feel "mildly buffed." I just felt like I'd wasted a minute of my life.

I really want to be able to recommend this product, because it looks pretty on the shelf and is widely available in grocery and drug stores all over the country, but is also affordable and isn't produced by a big "family products" conglomerate. And milk is good for your skin. Hell, 5% of their gross proceeds goes to Heifer International, which is a program I've been supporting since I can remember. I like all of that.

But I can't say that using the actual product was an enjoyable experience. I cannot tell you that I felt adequately "polished." And really, who wants to be reminded of yeast infection cream when you're supposed to be getting clean? And vanilla... yuck.

So I guess in the end, all I got was something pretty to send to the landfill. Good thing it was on clearance. I'd rather just send Heifer International a direct contribution.

Smelliness I Actually Enjoy!

My brother-in-law is one classy guy. He's a fancy-shmancy magazine editor, and travels all over the world on a constant basis, and loves my sister very much and takes care of her every need and wish and desire. And when he found out that I was going to be alone on Christmas, he insisted that I come spend the day with them, even though (a) his very-high-maintenance mother was visiting for a week and (b) I would be arriving at 2 a.m.

He and my sister then proceeded to shower me with more books than I could carry (they're both editors -- they get sent ten advance copies of things every day, and will never actually read all that stuff), plus she gave me some yarn and he gave me a gorgeous bottle of Jo Malone perfume.

Now, I am an unscented gal, for the most part. You probably know this about me. And I never buy perfume for myself because I have never been one to have money lying around for those little luxuries (when I do, I try to pay a little extra on my student loans). I've found precisely two perfumes in my entire life that I could tolerate. One was Cover Girl's Navy, and I was about ten years old, and I held my little sample vial of Navy very dear because my mother forbid me to wear perfume at such a young age (I recently found the vial while I was cleaning out my bathroom drawer in my parents' house last month -- it was fully evaporated, and I was sad). The other perfume I have ever really liked is Bare Escentuals' now-discontinued-in-spray-form Perfect Black Dress, which my sister gave me a few years ago and I rarely wear, but I did bond with another woman who eventually introduced me to my husband, because we both love Perfect Black Dress. I occasionally try Givenchy's Very Irresistible (also a gift from my sister) because I really do like the scent, but it always ends up being overpowering -- I get overwhelmed in the car driving to whatever event we're attending, and my husband hates it and gets angry that I smell different, so I just don't wear it very much.

Back to Christmas... I unwrapped this present from my brother-in-law, saw that it was a very generously-sized bottle of expensive perfume -- and perfume is such a personal gift, you really have to know your recipient's tastes like you know your own -- and was both overwhelmed with his thoughtfulness and a little bit apprehensive about having to wear a scent I might not like. I sprayed a little on my wrist right there under the Christmas tree... and to my surprise and delight, I love love love this scent. And through the whole day, I continued to love it. (Even better, my husband likes it too: he mostly doesn't notice it, which is just as good considering that he doesn't like anything that makes me smell not-like-me, but when I asked him directly, he said that yes, he doesn't hate it.)

The scent is Jo Malone's White Jasmine and Mint, which the website claims is a "light green floral" fragrance. I've always tried to steer away from florals because they tend to be too cloying to my nose. Not that I wear much perfume, like I said, but I think of myself as a person who likes the spicy spectrum of scents (and maybe a bit of citrus in the morning, but not if it's going to last later into the day). The White Jasmine and Mint has floral notes, obviously, but has woody and spicy notes as well (coriander and cardamom on top, cedar wood and vetiver underneath). And the mint is so subtle as to be almost unrecognizable at first sniff. I looked at the label after I spritzed it on and thought "really? there's mint in here?" But it becomes apparent -- in a really good, not overpowering way -- after a few seconds. And be sure to Discover the Story of this fragrance, because this is one "sensorial journey" definitely worth discovering!

This stuff is expensive. I would never buy it for myself, but I do so love having such a beautiful bottle sitting on my shelf, and I love wearing it. (Last Friday I wore it to a work dinner and I kept trying to smell my wrists -- through my gloves -- while driving. Not safe! But Mmmm! I smelled good! And it's great for daytime wear, too; I felt so grown-up and professional wearing it to work this week.) And if I ever come across another free sample vial, I will hoard it like the ten-year-old I used to be, in preparation for the day that I use up the giant bottle sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

Damn The Man and His Ploys! Or, I hate buying deodorant

I will begin by saying that I am a very bad blogger and I just-plain FORGOT to take pictures for this entry. I had all good blog-journalistic intentions for my mission, thinking up fun and interesting things to say about my experience of shopping for deodorant, and completely forgot to take any photographs until I was in the check-out line -- at which point, it's a little awkward to say "I'm sorry, I forgot to do something" and run back to take surreptitious cell phone pictures of the deodorant aisle. I think that kind of thing might get you kicked out of your friendly neighborhood Red-And-White-Vaguely-Archery-Themed Big Box Retailer.

With that in mind, I would just like to say that shopping for deodorant can be a mind-numbingly frustrating experience. It makes you forget the things that are Really Important. Like taking pictures for your blog.

Okay, the thing about deodorant is that... well, let me back up. The thing about underarm stink is that there are actually two completely separate sources of the smell we associate with the Dread Monster Body Odor. The first Source of Stink is our own pheromone-y sweat, which our body produces in times of hormonal "high stress" like when we're having sex. There's really not much we can do about this source, unless we want to stop having sex. Or hormones. And really? Anybody who's that close to you shouldn't have a problem with that smell, or they have no business being that close to you in the first place.

The second Source of Stink is the bacteria that live in our armpit skin. Yeah, it's too gross to think about much. But the bacteria is what you're combating when you put on deodorant. Deodorant doesn't actually kill the bacteria, it just prevents the bacteria from producing odor as quickly as it normally would (this is why you smell by the end of the day, no matter how much deodorant you've put on in the morning). So, like all kinds of bacteria, eventually the little guys living in your armpits (ew) get used to your deodorant, and the product becomes less effective.

This usually happens when you're about two-thirds of the way through a stick. Deodorant companies know this. Don't think they don't! They totally package their product so you buy more than you can use before it stops being effective. And then you throw it away because it "doesn't work anymore," and you go out and give the deodorant companies more money. Deodorant is made by The Man!

The solution, of course, is to go out and buy a different kind of deodorant. The little bacterias get all confused and stop being stinky for a while, until you're about two-thirds of the way through the new stick -- and then you can switch back to your old deodorant, which you didn't throw away, thereby beating The Man at his own game.

So there I was in the deodorant aisle. Not only had my armpit bacteria gotten used to my current product, but I had also maybe dropped said product in the toilet. I could not remember which brand I currently use, except that it's blue and starts with an S (which could be Secret or Suave, you know). I started looking at everything that wasn't blue and/or started with an S, and there were still a LOT of options.

Okay, so I like Ban a lot. But there were no Unscented sticks to be found. And HI! I have sensitive skin and I'm not putting fragrance on it. And also? Why in the world would I want to smell like Powder Fresh or Summer Rain or Baby Puppy Fuzz or something like that? It's not any better than smelling like Underarm Bacteria, and Underarm Bacteria is what my underarms actually smell like! I want the Dread Monster Body Odor to go away, not to morph into the Dread Monster Some Other Kind of Chemically-Manufactured Odor.

The Degree section had the same problem. Too smelly. Am I strange for thinking that a product whose sole function is to make smell go away shouldn't smell?

The Dove section looked particularly attractive. But, at $3.44 for one (or a two-pack for $7 -- do retailers think we're actually stupid enough to pay MORE for two wrapped together than we would for two individually packaged? When we know the product will stop working when we're two-thirds of the way through the first one?), it's not the best deal. There are less expensive options out there. AND! There is a new Dove product, called Pro-Age ("Because Beauty Has No Age"), and as far as I can tell it's the exact same product as their regular deodorant (same exact ingredient list, except that one product is in a slightly different place in the order, which means there's a little bit more of it). Marketers seriously think older women are going to buy this product just because you wrap it in burgundy plastic instead of white, and give it a different slogan? Also, it was the same price as the regular Dove, and I'm not going to encourage The Man in His thinking that I'd buy it because it's a different color package. Duh.

My eye wandered. To the very bottom shelf. To the Tom's of Maine. Ohhh, beautiful "natural" deodorant. How I do wish I could afford to spend nearly $5 on a product that promises to be completely ineffectual.

And then? I found it. Right next to the Tom's of Maine. The $2 version of the same idea. "Natural" deodorant. Aluminum Free. Paraben Free. And NOW Alcohol Free! Really, I'm pretty good about taking care of my health, but my deodorant is one place where I'm generally a shirker. And given the recent links between Alzheimer's and a high aluminum content in the brain, going aluminum-free can only be good for me. There is a tiny bit of fragrance, but it's not a generic Horrible Deodorant Fragrance, it's just a mild aloe-y fragrance, because there is actual aloe in the product. And vitamins A and E! Because there's nothing like absorbing your vitamins through the skin of your underarms. And the company's website makes them look like they're one part homegrown hippie co-op and one part Sketchy Pyramid Scheme. (And the product is $2 in the store, but $6 on their site. Hm.) I'll let you know if it works. If not? It was only $2. I don't feel like The Man is really taking advantage of me if I only use $1 worth. Besides, The Man didn't make this one, some other guy did.